Most of my friends are enduring temper tantrums of their two year olds. I, however, experienced my own as a thirty something year old. No lie. I am not sure it is the baby of the family scenario or the living with the realities of this disability but either way, I freaked out.
I am certain if you live in the city limits, you may have heard a strange wailing or even a sound of a shrill of unrecognizable words about 9:30PM. That was me. Me having a temper tantrum. An “I can’t do this” moment. A pity party. A party of one. (poor Delsie had to be there)
Don’t misunderstand me; I am not proud of this. I would be completely mortified if someone heard me or worse yet, saw me.
But here is the weird thing. God does. But do I REALLY believe that? So much so that I live with confidence that every snort or tear isn’t wasted?
Do I REALLY believe that God is there providing people in that moment to push my wheelchair out of a three foot high snow bank? (you try steering a power chair on sheer ice) Or do I trust that God provided a mini-van (said with swallowing pride) to get to point A to point B with relative ease? And when the ramp doesn’t come down in zero degree weather do I know that God is for me and not against me?
I guess this is what faith is…”being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1
Hope. That’s a scary thing for me. Kind of like if you tell people what you wish for on your birthday cake it won’t come true. If I am honest with God about what I long for in my life, won’t I jinx it?
If I am certain that God has my back when things don’t make sense, wouldn’t my life be that much more joyful?
It’s simple really. I am the one that makes it complicated. I am the one on the slippery slope and in a twisted sort of way; enjoying the ride.
It’s a journey. And the ride can be and is
painful at times. But during the midst of the tantrums, I have to believe God is for me and not against me.
Even saying good-bye to a gift. A gift of laughter. A gift of hope. A gift of a friendship. A gift in Tj. A gift that reminds me of Hebrews 11:36 “You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
So during those tantrums, whether it is a two year old or thirty something…God promises that hope. Hope in Him.
This space is hopefully our future "think pad" as my friend MaryJo oozes her creativity into my pores. Fridays made to be full of possibilities, good conversations and heart felt writing. Working on a goal. Holding one another accountable. Living in community. Admiring D dog as she finds the perfect spot, staring out the window...dreaming...probably of Spring...
...and who can blame her when squatting requires snow up to her knees! (dogs have knees, right? They better as my parents paid for two surgeries to repair the ACL on their dog- poor Jasper)
When Delsie and I became a team eight years ago, I bought a gazillion toys that were on the approved list from Canine Partners For Life. Little did I know that tennis balls were the only toy that would get her psyched. God knew what He was doing when He blessed me with a home by a high school tennis court.
They are called Cuddl Duds. And they are amazing. I am not sure why it took me this long to realize these are imperative when you live in Antarctica.
painful at times. But during the midst of the tantrums, I have to believe God is for me and not against me.
The countdown has begun. 18 days until I see blue skies and my toes begin to thaw out. If it weren't for my trip out west I think my whining would turn into the full on ugly cry.
