Delsiemeister.

It's been 8 years since I was introduced to the joy of my life in the training barn at Canine Partners For Life in Cochranville, PA. "Holly, here is your dog, Delsie, do not let anyone touch her or talk to her but you." Megan, her trainer for the past year, handed over the brown leather leash. I sat at a picnic table with the other recipients. I was filled with fear and excitement as this beautiful black lab laid at my feet.
It was quite the journey to get Delsie. As my friend went out to get food for the next three weeks of intensive training, I stayed back in the room at Extend-A-Stay only to vomit the nerves that filled my stomach. That time in my life was the most challenging physically and emotionally yet equally rewarding.
Now in my life, I am up against a challenging time emotionally. My beautiful black lab feels my pain. Now she is the one throwing up the nerves that are oozing out of my body.
I know I will be fine because of Gods faithfulness. Delsie is a tangible reminder of that. She is faithful. She is loyal. She is committed. She loves me. And I love her.
So does my mom as she made this bed under my desk at work...

a method to my madness

Friday Night. 4 girls. 4 boys. Age 2-12. 11 PM bedtime. 2 AM 2 year old screaming. 7 AM wake up call. Attention span of 5 minutes= birth control.

It was cousins night at Aunt Holly's.



I had a blast but I'm not sure how my sisters do it.

And I don't think Delsie has moved since they left.

oops.

the joys of having a disability and a service dog.

moments.

Last night I added my down comforter and even turned on the heat. (which I vowed I wouldn't do until November or December) Last weekend my sister and her family camped out at the State park. It was too hot to sit directly in the sun. My, my, what a week can bring...

...in a second, life can change. Dreams are shattered and the future is scary- in a moment. I live life with shattered dreams, I think we all do to a certain degree. My future is different, unknown and at times I live in fear of that.

God is not a God of fear. He promises me hope. Even though my dream may different, there is hope. I just have to trust that. (easier said than done)

These photos represent that hope God provides for me. The moments that are filled with tears and doubts, I remember my family. God's promise that I belong somewhere in this crazy world.

... a world where I am sitting like I just got off a horse. Yikes.

to write or not to write...

I am sad this cloudy morning.
You are working a twelve hour day.
again.
The worst thing in my life is feeling like a failure.
We are here because I have a headache.
I am skipping church.
again...

The beginning of the summer I was blessed with the ability to take a creative writing class with Heather Sellers. What a blast.
I am ashamed that I have tucked this experience and lessons I learned in the back of my brain. I am not liking who I am today. I lit my fall candle, skipped church, drank a cup of Moka Java from World Market, stayed in my PJ's and took out my notebook from creative writing this summer with Heather Sellers.
I can breathe again. If I could walk, I would have a pep in my step.
So cheers to Charles Bukowski and writers who live out their dream and write.
You are an inspiration.

One of my pages from my messy notebook:
(encouragement written by Heather)

the 10 steps to focused writing

1. intend to write (no thinking no talking)
2. set your timer
3. tune the soul (poetry is good; prayer, music)
4. review your system for distraction management (you WILL get distracted)
5. align the body and mind
6. surprise the front brain, court the mid-brain:
a) cards
b) lists
c) rituals
d) x-orientation
7. move the hand slowly, don't think just write what you see
8. when you fall out of the groove, slide back in gently
9. stop when the timer goes off no matter what
10. resist the urger to read it over, to judge: build up a habit of concentration, work that muscle, not the muscle of judgement which binds us up.

it's time to work that muscle.

chocolate obsession and B12

I could sell this stuff and make a mint. Either that or become the poster child for B12. Just like the father in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" who believed Windex was the remedy for every ailment, B12 is the new Windex.
Although my house looks like a meth lab and Brett has a career in nursing shooting me up with B12 injections, I feel like a new woman.
After blood work that proved that I was deficient in B12 and I persuaded my doc and Brett to give me the injections, my life has shifted.

One of the plus' (which are numerous) has been the ability to sleep a full 7-8 hours and wake up without an alarm. Before B12 when 3:00 in the afternoon ticked on, I was tempted to crawl under my desk at work and take a nap on the hairy dog bed with Delsie. After B12, 3:00 signifies 2 more hours at work. It's amazing.

Last night I think my chocolate obsession and B12 were at odds with each other as I read 2 short stories by Rick Bass at 3 in the morning.

My bad. I can live without chocolate. B12 is here to stay.

...I'm back.

It's been a very long two months without a working laptop. I got the message Saturday at 12:20 that my "new" laptop was read to be picked up. I had it in my possession at 12:30. How sweet it is...let the blogging continue.